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Sunday, 17 November 2013


From my book Rolling In The Aisles - poking fun at shops, shoppers and shopping, a few jokes.

The book is available to order here:

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys one apple, one orange, one banana, one baking potato, a ready-meal for one and one pastry. The guy on the checkout
looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"  
He replies, "Because you're ugly."


I was in Tesco the other day when some bloke started throwing milk, cheese and yoghurt at me. I thought: “How dairy!”


A fidgety customer rushes into Wickes: “I want to buy a mousetrap. Could you hurry please as I've a bus to catch?”  The assistant replied: “Oh, I'm not sure we have one that big.”


A customer goes to the kitchen section of John Lewis; 
“Can someone sell me a kettle, please?”  The assistant said: “Kenwood?”  The customer replied: “I don’t care what his name is.”


A stressed-out supermarket manager got a call from his doctor a week after the company medical. 
Doctor: “I’m sorry to have to tell you I have two pieces of bad news for you.”
Manager: “Gulp. What’s the prognosis?  Give it to me straight.”
Doctor: “Bluntly, you have 24-hours to live.”
Manager: “My God.  What’s the other bad news?”
Doctor: “I was trying to get a hold of you all day yesterday.”


A man with a rifle walked into a shop and started shooting at the cornflakes.  He was a cereal killer.

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